Love and Hate
by Rianne Pond
Summary: "Granger, is what you've been known to me for the past years. All along part of me has been screaming Hermione. It's a beautiful name and it's a shame I didn't learn to use it properly earlier."


**Love and Hate**

"Granger, is what you've been known to me for the past years. All along part of me has been screaming Hermione. It's a beautiful name and it's a shame I didn't learn to use it properly earlier. I can't believe that I'm here saying this, but Hermione I've always loved you. Hermione Granger, I just wish you were awake. They tell me that they're not even sure if you will awake. Hermione," I said before my voice cracked, "don't die."

I knew there was someone at the doorway. It had to have been Potter or Weaselby, but of course when your too lazy to turn your head you'll get surprised once and a while. It turned out to be Ginny Weasley, but I didn't know that until she spoke.

"You've been talking to her for an hour now. She can't hear you Draco," Ginny said daring to use my first name even though most of my friends weren't worthy enough to say it.

"I know," I responded in a thick voice. I squeezed tighter on her cold hand and kissed her fingers gingerly.

"What makes you think she'll want you?" the fiery red-head asked, looking down on Hermione's bed. The girl's eyes were bloodshot, she'd done her fair share of crying along with the rest of us.

"Nothing, I almost wish she won't because then I'd be rewarded for all of the terrible things I've done," I said, heartfelt, not even certain why I was telling her all of this. She nodded as if she understood, which was impossible, because even I didn't fully understand.

Hermione's expression hadn't changed since I'd first seen her lying in the hospital bed. She was still peacefully asleep in a limbo, a critically threatening limbo between life and death, between me and a place worthy of her pure soul. Why was I even here? Why should I have the right to see her? Even if she did love me back why should I let her take me? I'm broken, I'm tattered with a dark soul and an evil background. Isn't Hermione worthy of so much more?

"Draco, its alright; we're all upset. The healers won't tell us anything, they say its all up to her now," the girl said before standing up. Before leaving me kneeling at bedside yet again alone with Hermione's still and nearly lifeless form she came over to me. She placed a hand on my shoulder gently yet I refused to look up. "You'll see her again. This isn't goodbye." I stifled a sob.

"It feels like it," I retorted, dropping my head to the edge of the bed.

"I know," Ginny said. "Harry and my family are going to eat upstairs. You're welcome to join."

I shook my head. "I can't eat," I responded. "I did this to her," I murmured to myself, though I knew she heard. I didn't even care that the Weasley girl saw me like this. I was in ruins. I was a monster and I was being punished for that… through Hermione. Ginny looked as though she were going to say more then decided against it. When the girl left I looked down at my lap. I was wearing the same thing that I had worn when I heard the news and rushed over two days ago.

I couldn't honestly remember when the last time I'd actually left her bedside was, but I knew that I only left when I was taken by force. I hadn't eaten or drank anything in two days, but I didn't care. I'd rather starve for years then have Hermione die. Hell, I'd rather see Hermione happily marry than another than to die. Life wouldn't be the same without her glowing warmth.

"I love you, everything about you. I'm in love with you and I'd die if you did. I feel like we're connected in a way that's greater than both of us. I feel like we're meant to be like there's a reason, will and a way. I would find a way to be with you if it was that last thing I do, that is unless you don't want be as much as I want you… in which case I'd leave and promise never to see your face again for both of our sakes." I waited for days on end during my time at the hospital, always at her bedside. Eventually the Ginny girl forced food down my throat, but it wasn't easy for her. I was even worse now than I was yesterday and Potter had noticed.

Weasley refused to speak to me. I always heard him telling Potter that I was still the git I was at school. I didn't even retort, I didn't even care. Weasley would say that I was a death eater, that I was just as bad as Bellatrix herself… he'd say that I might as well have done this to Hermione. He said I didn't care that I was soulless and that this was all an act to get out of trouble. In truth I'd rather endure endless torture than listen to Weasley's inaccurate accusations. They made me feel like what I was supposed to be… a death eater like my father… a killer.

"She's dying," Potter said sitting at Hermione's side. I winced when he touched her cheek. I felt jumpy, not that it was out of the ordinary lately.

"Thank you, Potter," I said scornfully. Harry shook his head at me and made a tongue clicking noise.

"Is it true?" he asked. I looked up at him quizzically.

"What?"

"Everything you've been saying to her, is it true?" he repeated. I took a large intake of breath and made a gasping noise.

"You've been listening? Both of you?" I asked moderately annoyed and refusing to allow myself to put a wand to his neck. I was in his territory.

"Well, George and Fre¾ George had some extendable ears. It wasn't my idea," Potter tried to explain. Instead of letting myself anger I let sympathy lead me.

"My condolences on your, loss," I said awkwardly referring to Fred's death.

"I only wish that was enough. Fred wasn't the only one. Do you know how many your side killed?" Harry said inclining his head to me.

"Yes, to both questions."

"You know that you killed my only memory of my parents. Remus is dead. Tonks is dead. Hell, even Dobby is dead. Malfoy… you left so many bodies and an orphan. I have a godson to care for as well as my friends, who may I mention are almost all in critical conditions. How is it that you escaped unscathed?" Potter said. "How is it your still in one piece… begging back forgiveness that you'll never be worthy of?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry for everything that I've done. I'm drowning in guilt. H-Harry you don't understand how much I'd take back. I'd give my life over a million times to save any one of yours," I said, taking a long moment to look at the pale porcelain hand intertwining with my fingers.

"Just remember that. None of us should and most likely won't give you undeserving forgiveness. Not a thing in the world could replace all of the lives you've destroyed and put at risk. The only comfort is that your father's in Azkaban along with all of the other psycho killers. You should be with them," he spat.

"My mother saved your life and not just to receive redemption or find me. She told me that she thought it was the right thing to do, but she said that she wouldn't go so far as to apologize or sit bedside next to a dying girl. That's why she kicked me out of the house. Harry I'm staying with Tonk's mum, Andromeda. I've seen the kid. He's adorable, he deserves a caring family and I, and I alone, am responsible for destroying any chance of that," I admitted much more easily than I ever though possible, though I knew that the remorse was working its magic in this conversation.

"That's not true. Teddy can still have a wonderful grandmother, godfather and second cousin. Mal¾ Draco," he said testing it out on his tongue, "be there for him." I nodded.

"I will, but now Hermione needs me. Please tell Weasley how remorseful I truly am," I said.

"You tell him. The healers want to check up on her," Harry said. I shook my head convulsively.

"No, don't make me leave," I begged squeezing the cold hand. Harry, who might I add had proven himself really strong, pulled away my wasting figure. I didn't go easily but once I was out the healers went in and George wedged an extendable ear under the door. I heard Harry whisper to Ron that I'd been telling the truth when talking to Hermione and I heard Ron say some unsavory words. Ginny was forcing me to drink soup and tried to convince me that I'd be fine, but I found that hard to believe seeing as though I was nearly hyperventilating just being away from her.

"She's stabilizing," someone said, their voice slightly muffled.

"Hon, are you awake?"

"What? Where am I?" Hermione's voice said cutting through all of the remorse and dread.

"Let me go in! Potter let go; I need to see her," I yelled while pulling away from Potter's constraining grasp.

"Get yourself under control now, Malfoy!" Harry shouted. Ron gave him a meaningful look and Harry chose to disregard it. I stopped for a moment and listened to the extendable ear.

"Is he dead?" Granger asked.

"Who, dear?"

"Voldemort? Do you mean Voldemort?"

"No, no is he dead? Please tell me he's not dead."

"Potter?"

"Weasley?"

"No, Malfoy," she said clearly. My jaw dropped as I listened to a collective intake of breath. Harry and Ron both looked at me with contempt. Mrs. Weasley tried her hardest not to looked too biased, but I could see her displeasure. Ginny was the only one who looked normal. She pat my back and took a moment to stare each member of her family back into place.

"He can't come in Miss."

"Please, I have to see him. Can I please talk to Draco?" Hermione said. I felt my eye twitch pleasantly as she said my name. It sounded so innocent and beautiful when she said it. It made me feel like a good person when my name was said with so much… _love _in it. Love? Could it possibly be?

"Only for a few minutes," a healer said. George reeled the ear into his pocket just as the door was opening. "Malfoy, she says she wants you." I got up cautiously, worried that my legs would give out from beneath me. I walked shakily to Hermione's glowing figure sitting up on the bed. Both of the healers left me alone with her. She smiled largely when I came.

"Draco, what happened?" Hermione asked.

"The battle? Potter defeated Voldemort. Father's in Azkaban. Crabbe's dead. You passed out when you crawled through the portrait hole and I walked away unhurt, untouched and unscathed," I said with remorse clear in my voice.

"I know that. I mean what happened that time that we dated back in… fourth year?"

"Third year, actually. I don't know. You didn't like meeting in secret I guess," I said as she brushed a piece of hair from her face.

"And what did you do after that?"

"I- I haven't stopped loving you since. Hermione, I need you," I said pouring out my heart and soul. She nodded and smiled.

"I've had my share of interest in others, Draco," she began. "I even kissed Ronald when he showed interest in S.P.E.W. The truth is-"

"If you want me to be interested in the house-elves than I will. If you want me to be friendly with Potter and Weasley, I will. If you'd like me to pitch myself off of the astronomy tower Hermione, I will. Bottom line, I want and need you. I can't be without you and I'll do whatever you want me to, because… I love you."

"Draco, its so flattering, but do you really believe that anything between us could work?" Hermione asked. I shrugged.

"Do you?" I retorted. "Relationships are two-way after all."

"I wanted to tell you that I've judged you wrong all along and that I and everyone else didn't wait long enough to find out who you really were. I wish I hadn't tagged you the way I did, then maybe I'd given you a chance. Despite much speculating you are human and you are a reliable and great person. I'd be lucky to be in love with you," she answered.

"Lucky?" I asked with a thick voice. She nodded. That was when she took my hand and leaned in. I didn't know what to do with myself, she'd just told me that she didn't like me and now she was holding my hand and leaning in to kiss me. Despite all of my muscles fighting against it I somehow managed to lean in and kiss her. She ran her lips along mine and soon she had an arm behind my neck. When she stopped to take a breath she rested her head on my shoulder and whispered to me.

"I'm a very lucky person." I knew all along that she was perfect for me, but Ronald was in love with her and I knew that I didn't deserve her. She was my angel and largest crush of my life. She was a pure and perfect image of the best dream-girl. I shouldn't have kissed her. I shouldn't have poured out my soul to her. I decided right then that without redemption I wouldn't give myself over to her.

"I have to go," I said standing up. She looked at me with pleading eyes and I read them as _why are you leaving me_. I shook my head sadly.

"What?"

"I don't deserve you. I'll come back when I do. If your not taken will you be my wife? After I prove my worth that is," I asked.

"Most definitely," she agreed. I kissed her cheek.

"Have a nice life with Ronald," I said, positive that he'd end up with my lover because they matched, because he was fair and good and because he'd be with her. Ronald would be able to comfort her when she found out how many people I killed. I wasn't the kind of person that should spend more than the bear minimum of minutes around something so untouchable as her.

"I'll never. Not Ron, no?" she said with more question in her voice than I wished for.

"I hope not, but if you must. I love you. I hate myself for loving you. Can I ask one thing of you though?" I asked as my last request form her for the longest time.

"Anything Draco," she promised.

"Will you- Hermione just remember me?"

* * *

><p>"Hi, its been too long," I said into the receiver.<p>

"I agree, how are you?" her sweet voice said to me through the telephone.

"I'm fine, you?" I said, lying through gritted teeth.

"Brilliant, missing you as always though. Have you redeemed yourself yet?" she asked, what she always asked.

"No, if I had I'd already have you in my arms. I haven't done anything to show my worth in this world… if anything I've done something wrong again," I said in a voice many used for a confession.

"Draco?"

"I've called to apologize. I've screwed up again Hermione. I don't understand why its so hard. Maybe we're just not meant-"

"Why is it that every time you call you have to apologize? Can't we just talk? Friend to friend?" Hermione asked, in a crystal clear voice that I swore I'd never hear again. Her voice didn't stop my heart from throbbing painfully when she said _friend_ to _friend_ though.

"Sure, Hermione I've married," I confessed.

"About time, I was worried you'd end up as a lonely, old, hermit," she giggled in a twinkling laugh.

"What? Your not angry?" I asked, wiping a piece of blond hair from my face and smiling pleasantly out to my wife through the telephone booth glass.

"No of course not, after all I've just done the same," she admitted.

"Really?"

"Yes, it was a small ceremony really. I'm sorry that I didn't invite you, its just I thought that…" she trailed off.

"I understand, I'm sorry as well," I said knowing that I purposely didn't invite her because I didn't want to pain myself looking at what I'd missed out on.

"Yes, well what's new with your life?" Hermione asked wistfully, making me wish that she was what was new in my life, but I knew that that train had come and gone long ago. I was the perpetually late rider. I'd never catch the train in time, _never_.

"I- my wife just had a child. I'm a father… I guess," I answered, sounding slightly remorseful or sorry.

"Draco, there's no _I guess _in fatherhood. I'm glad to hear… is it a boy or a girl?"

"Boy, of course. Us Malfoys always have that luck; the last girl Malfoy was centuries ago," I replied, trying in vain to talk the least amount about my life now rather than the hopeful new life I'd eventually have with Hermione.

"What did you name him? Something adorable?" she asked, hopeful.

"Scorpius Hyperion," I replied. "Not quite adorable, is it?"

"Well, not really, but it's a perfectly Malfoy name," she replied.

"Not what we'd have named him, huh?" I asked, immediately regretting it once it left my lips.

"No, I'd have named him something handsome like his father's name, but I think his name is perfectly suited for you and your wife, I hope you the best of luck raising him," Hermione told me with what sounded like a smile in her voice.

"That's what I called to apologize for. It seems no matter how hard I try I always end up messing _us_ up. I was so close to proving myself too, but I just had to go and marry a dark witch and have a child that should have belonged to us… to you," I pitifully murmured. Asteria took this moment to knock on the glass with her fingernail. I nodded to her and my baby Scorpius. He was looking admiringly at his mother. I waved at her dismissively and returned to listening to Hermione.

"Don't feel bad Draco. I've not been any better. I suppose I'm not as patient as I thought I was when I was younger. I've just had a child as well," she said. I could literally feel my heart break. I could feel my jaw drop and my breath become shallow. It was one thing for me, the unreliable and scandalous one to go off and do something stupid, but for Hermione to do that it made me feel like all hope was lost. I let a hot tear roll down my cheek and felt my throat become constricted. My face got hot and my nose itched. My hand was shaky holding the phone to my ear. "Draco, honey?" Hermione asked with worry clear in her voice.

"What's its name?" I asked with a thick voice full of loss and contempt. I took a shaky breath and felt my knee wobble beneath me.

"Her name's Rosie, she the most precious thing. I can't wait for you to see her. She looks just like me, I just can't believe it. She's adorable and she's already learned to say Mama, its so cute," Hermione uttered. Rosie, the cute and plainly normal name my baby should have had. Rosie, the name that our daughter should have had, but no. No, the name Rosie belonged to Hermione's daughter with _another man_. No, that name would never belong to any child of mine… none of Hermione's names would end up belonging to any child of mine. My children were forever deprived of Hermione. I was forever deprived of Hermione. Forever.

"Who's her father?" I forced out of my closed throat.

"My husband of course," she replied simply.

"You never told me who your husband was Hermione. Who is it _My Love_?" I asked, sure to use the words that I was sure I'd never again be able to say. I felt the tears running freely now. I was a mess and I was sure that asking the seemingly obvious wouldn't help, but somehow I needed to hear her say it. Somehow I thought her telling me would bring closure… I was wrong.

"Well, funny story. Turns out you're a much better seer than I thought you were. Draco, I married Ronald."

Draco, I married Ronald.

I married Ronald

Married Ronald

Ronald.

Ron.

Draco, I ended up with Ron… not _you_, never _you_.


End file.
